The Overlooked Skill That Sits Beneath Every Client Relationship

If you work in a professional services firm, you are in the relationships business. We all know the saying: people buy from people. Some argue that this has changed, but when we ask clients what they look for in an advisor, the most common answer remains remarkably consistent: someone they like and enjoy working with. The desire to connect is fundamentally human. AI hasn't changed that.

As a result, many firms invest heavily in business development training. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem is that too many focus on techniques before foundations. They train people how to sell, network and influence, while overlooking the one thing that underpins all of those skills: the ability to build genuine relationships. Some recognise this gap and turn to topics such as collaboration or perhaps relationship intelligence. Again, this isn’t wrong. However, we regularly speak to firms who have done this, some investing hundreds of thousands of pounds, but who fail to see the return.  That expensive collaboration training really only moves the dial with those who were doing it anyway.

What to do before you look at sales training

There are reasons why behavioural change is hard, and often the reason it doesn’t happen is that the foundations aren’t in place in the system. See here for more on that. Outside of the environmental, the other reason is that the real starting point isn’t to be found in business development textbooks at all. It’s to be found somewhere much more human – in emotional intelligence. This is a challenging concept for professional services firms. Much as every firm we walk into declares that there is psychological safety, ‘intelligent’ individuals are quick to admit that they are emotionally intelligent as well as intellectually so.

However, if you ask the question a different way, you find that blind spots and gaps exist. For example, rather than ask "How good are you at controlling your emotions?", ask  “How often are you surprised by your emotional reactions?”, or “How often do strong emotions influence decisions before you realise they have?”. You might find a different picture emerges.

Some questions to see if you are emotionally intelligent

• When someone challenges your opinion, how likely are you to become defensive?

• How comfortable are you sitting with discomfort rather than immediately trying to solve it?

• How often do you seek to understand why someone sees things differently from you?

• When someone disagrees with you, is your first instinct to understand or persuade?

• How comfortable are people giving you difficult feedback?

• When relationships become tense, how likely are you to address the issue directly and constructively?

What is emotional intelligence?

We all think we know what EQ is. We know what emotions are, and we know what intelligence is. EQ feels like something desirable, so the first thing we want to do is say ‘yes, I am good at that’. Admitting we are not feels like failure. However, if we think we have nothing to learn, then we cease to be curious, and we cease to lean into learning.

EQ is normally thought of as having been coined by Daniel Goleman. It is more accurate to say that he popularised it, as psychologists before him had set forward the term. However, his work is accessible, and he starts with a simple premise. First, we must be self-aware; only then can we manage our own emotions. Then, we can recognise emotions in others, and only then can we build meaningful relationships, influence effectively, and navigate difficult conversations with empathy and skill. In other words, emotional intelligence starts with understanding ourselves before extending to understanding and working well with others.

This is where most firms fall. They don’t want to spend the time on self-awareness. They don’t see the point; they are in a rush to move on, and most people don’t want to admit that they aren’t as self-aware as they think they are. Understanding how you show up, how you impact others, and what gets in your way is harder work than learning a sales methodology. But without it, the rest is built on shaky foundations.

Relationships shouldn't be left to chance, and neither should the skills that make them possible. Emotional Intelligence is something that can be taught, but to do so requires time, humility and a willingness to look honestly at yourself. Awareness is the foundation upon which all behavioural change is built. The fact that most firms rush past or ignore this step means that those that don’t have the opportunity to excel.

We often talk about helping firms slow down to speed up. To create space to reflect. To notice. To understand the beliefs, habits and emotional triggers that drive behaviour. Yet many organisations are uncomfortable with that work. They want the outcome without the reflection, the change without the discomfort, or the quick fix rather than the deeper shift. The question is: are you prepared to do the work that others avoid? Because that is often where the greatest growth opportunities, stronger relationships and lasting competitive advantage are found.

Are IQ and EQ given equal weight in your firm?