What no one tells you about feedback: who the receiver is matters

One of the first things you learn in law school is the 'eggshell skull rule': if you harm someone, you’re responsible for all the damage, even if they were more fragile than expected. It’s a legal principle, but it holds a deeper truth that applies beyond the courtroom. Feedback, like a careless knock, can land harder than intended. And that’s the trouble with feedback: it doesn’t just inform, it impacts. In this article, we’re going to explore some of the hidden factors that shape how feedback is received. Understanding those isn’t just helpful for those giving feedback; it’s equally (and perhaps even more) valuable for those who want to get more from the feedback they receive.

How do you feel about feedback?

We recently conducted a poll to find out what people thought about constructive feedback. We didn’t define what we meant by that term, but wrapped up in this notion of constructive feedback, is the sense that it is something that the receiver isn’t doing YET. It is something that they might choose to work on having received the feedback in question. In other words, it isn’t ‘positive’ in the sense of acknowledgment of a job well done. 

What did we find out? Well, much like the eggshell skull rule, people have different levels of tolerance towards feedback, which isn't visible on the outside. Whilst 28% of people love it, the majority replied that they are ‘a little bit hurt’ before they lean in and learn from it. 9% of respondents said they are left feeling sad for days, and 1% said that constructive feedback has a negative, longer-lasting, impact. And here’s the thing; you have no way of knowing who falls into which camp. All those who responded were outwardly high-achieving professionals, all of whom are likely to have been on the receiving end of feedback throughout their careers.

What does this tell us? We really should be mindful about how we deliver feedback because we just don’t know what the impact of our words will be. Outside of formal appraisals, where feedback is more considered, it is often given 'off-the-cuff', without much thought and, frankly, badly.

What might trigger us to be negatively impacted by feedback?

Stone and Heen describe three different feedback triggers. As with all triggers, the value of knowing these is that we can start to learn from our intense emotional reactions and understand what sits behind them.

The triggers they set out are:

• Truth Triggers – where we are moved because we think the feedback is wrong, unfair, or unhelpful.

• Relationship Triggers – where our reaction is influenced by the person giving us the feedback.

• Identify Triggers  – where the feedback challenges who we are and the story that we tell about ourselves.

An example: we talk a lot about feedback in the context of client listening. When we think about how to get partners on board with it, we often highlight that feedback can be challenging; particularly where it is personal (which it often is in the context of advisor-client relationships). Where the advisor identifies with their role as part of their identity - and most professionals will - there is a real danger of the feedback triggering an intense response. What they hear might challenge their view that they are a good lawyer, for example. 

Now, this doesn’t mean we should therefore avoid feedback, rather it is about understanding the impact that the feedback might have and using this insight; both to get professionals comfortable with it and to deliver it to them in a way that will lead to the action the client intends.

Negativity Bias and feedback

Even if you don’t know much about heuristics (mental shortcuts), we all know about this particular bias: the tendency to fixate on the negative. That end-of-year report, which was 99% positive, yet we only remember the 1% piece of constructive advice.

When this bias shows up, we can get discouraged or overreact, and sadly this bias pops up in so many different scenarios. We have spoken about it in the context of client listening before. We have mentioned appraisals in this regard too. We can also look at constructive criticism from a friend or colleague in light of this bias.

The likelihood is that we have received praise and positivity from the individuals who give us constructive feedback. However, our human tendency to focus on the negative means that we lose sight of the balance. As a receiver of feedback, we need to remember that this bias will come into play. As a giver of feedback, we also need to ensure that our message doesn't become skewed.

Thinking Distortions

Thinking distortions are another fact of human life. They are thinking patterns that we can fall into which can be unhelpful.  There are many different types of thinking distortion; here are some common ones and how they might play out with constructive feedback.

• All-or-nothing thinking (“If I didn’t do it perfectly, I failed.”)

• Mind reading (“They must think I’m incompetent.”)

• Catastrophising (“This feedback means I’m going to lose my job.”)

• Ruminating (This might result in overthinking:  “Did they sound annoyed?”, “Why did they use this word, rather than that word”; or distorting the message "They said I was terrible”)

Feedback is a fact of life

Feedback is a fact of life. Constructive feedback is usually aimed at achieving something positive; by identifying something that could be done differently, to drive better results.

Whether we are insecure overachievers, perfectionists, or perhaps we find ourselves overworked and without the mental load to handle a setback; who we are and how we find ourselves makes a difference to our ability to process challenging feedback. Much like the eggshell skull rule, from the outside, we don’t know if the person we are speaking to has a frailty that we cannot see. This means that we need to be mindful when providing criticism and delivering difficult messages. If we are receiving a difficult message we also need to be aware of our emotions. Is our reaction a product of what was said, or is it because of something that sits closer to home?

What	How gets in the way	What we can do about it
Feedback Triggers	We dismiss useful feedback	Notice when we have an emotional reaction and think about whether it has been caused by a feedback trigger.
Negativity Bias	We overlook the positive and can overplay the importance of what we hear that we interpret as negative.	Keep track of feedback. How balanced is the feedback you get and are you focusing unduly on the negative?
Thinking Distortions	Interpret through a distorted lens	Reframe

We often see a link between the way people give feedback and the way they receive it. What this means is that being fearful of getting it, can also stand in the way of effectively giving people advice that might help them in the long run. If you find it challenging to receive constructive criticism, we hope this article has shown you that you are not alone. You don’t have to navigate it alone either! We offer coaching to support individuals build confidence around feedback. We also support teams to foster a healthier feedback culture. Why don’t you get in touch to find out more?